“Things to Do in Valley of the Dolls (The Movie)” by David Trinidad
Move to New York.
Lose your virginity.
Become a star.
Send money to your mother.
Call pills “dolls.”
Fire the talented newcomer.
Have a nervous breakdown.
Suffer from an incurable degenerative disease.
Sing the theme song.
Do your first nude scene.
Wear gowns designed by Travilla.
Become addicted to booze and dope.
Scream “Who needs you!”
Stagger around in a half-slip and bra.
Come to in a sleazy hotel room.
Say “I am merely traveling incognito.”
Get drummed out of Hollywood.
Come crawling back to Broadway.
Pull off Susan Hayward’s wig
and try to flush it down the toilet.
End up in a sanitarium.
Hiss “It wasn’t a nuthouse!”
Get an abortion.
Go on a binge.
Detect a lump in your breast.”
Make a comeback.